Saturday, September 22, 2007

Unreasonableness

Home is where everyone describes a warm and understanding feeling exist.
But it's not so for me.
I hate it.
I'm tired out from rushing all my coursework and projects and researching.
I don't get enough sleep.
My weight has went down significantly.
I'm struggling to float despite the weight pulling me downwards 24/7.
But she's not helping me.
In fact, all she ever does is nag at me, scream and find faults with me.
She even said I was using my final year project as an excuse of not spending time with the family.
You might be wondering why don't I explain to her my situation.
I tried, but it never works once.
She simply assumes that I am not as busy as I am.
She just wants things going smoothly in her own way.
And I'm her eyesore because I am always her "smooth-going obstacle".


She has been comparing my elder brother with me since young.
"Your gor gor ar, very smart, PLSE maths got A*, aggregate 247, get into 2nd choice: Nan Hua Secondary School."
"Your gor gor's O-Levels L1R5 got 10 points, get into SAJC."
"Your gor gor's A-Levels get 2As 1B."


"You ar, PSLE maths C. Cane and force you to practise Maths everyday, buy so many assessment books for you, still get a C out. Aggregrate 201. Just managed to scrap into express stream of Outram Secondary School, your last choice."
"Your O-Levels L1R5 15 points, go into 18th choice, SRJC. Sounds the same, but difference of A and J."
"Your A-Levels cannot even get into university, still need to retake again. You don't study lar! Only waste our money. Just go out and work."
"Huh? 2nd time retake A-Levels only get 1 A and 2Cs? Go into common engineering only. Your gor gor went into Computer Engineering."


And now that her Glorious Son, graduated without even an Merit, just a graduate with a Pass,
she now begins to find fault at me.
"Wahhhh.... someone so rich liao hor. Always get bursaries. From NTU, from AUPE, from A-Z organizations. Don't even give your parents money."
Bitch.
When I don't have enough money to eat, I had to dig into my savings.
Sometimes, I even have to go without meals.


My brother is staying in a room twice the size of mine.
He has a working aircon.
He doesn't have to sleep under clothes and undergarments hanging over his head, unlike me.
Why the different treatment?


I used to pressure myself to do better than my brother so as to win a praise of a word or two from her.
But reality hit me when I am in university.

My brother has no pride in whatever he does.
He didn't bother to buck up when he had to extend his graduating years to complete his coursework.
He was jobless for half a year after graduating, being choosy with jobs when he honestly doesn't even have any honours.
He is late for work everyday.
He is not responsible.
I am doing way better than my brother in terms of academic and more responsible towards my life.
But she is always finding faults in me.
Now I don't bother to prove myself to her anymore.
I don't tell her my grades, my achievements.


Sometimes, her unreasonableness frustrates me to such an extent, I feel like slapping her to shut up.
Naturally I didn't.
Coz she's my mom.
And I don't want to be labelled as an unfilial kid.
But I'm reaching my limits soon.

Monday, September 10, 2007

To our 1st Year and more to come

Yayyy!!! I've got bursaries again!!! 2nd time in a row for the bursary from NTU and also bursaries from mommy's company. ^_^

Gonna save up this amount of money to go on a graduation tour with Hubby!!!

Today marks our 1st year anniversary. Celebrated on last Saturday. C0z we have quizzes tomorrow!!! Ughh!! BUT!!! After tomorrow's quiz, we're gonna relax and enjoy our day out. =)

Missing him sooo much. He always put a smile on my face.

Love you sweetie.
Lots.
Muacks!

Yayyy!!! I've got bursaries again!!! 2nd time in a row for the bursary from NTU and also bursaries from mommy's company. ^_^

Gonna save up this amount of money to go on a graduation tour with Hubby!!!

Today marks our 1st year anniversary. Celebrated on last Saturday. C0z we have quizzes tomorrow!!! Ughh!! BUT!!! After tomorrow's quiz, we're gonna relax and enjoy our day out. =)

Missing him sooo much. He always put a smile on my face.

Love you sweetie.
Lots.
Muacks!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Heartfelt feelings

I'm tired.

Tired from the impending amount of work awaiting.

All the lectures and meeting of projects datelines.

I just wish to stop at my track.

But I'm given no choice.

To make things worse, frequent quarrels and arguments arise.

Endless waves of disappointments.

I just want to have a break from the lifestyle I'm having.

I'm disappointed in everything.

Including him.

No longer feel that he is who he was.

Having second thoughts about him.

People change.

I have changed too, probably.

I just want to be alone.

Away from all the datelines, away from him.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Once A Fairy Tale...

Alright guys, suddenly have a rush to write a blog about a story I'm ponding and believing it for a year.

This is dedicated to the male and female lead, as this story only tells once, and it will be buried.

Once upon a time, there's this gal, her name is frog face aka froggy. She met some downhill at her previous job and she decided to leave for her dignity and shall not stay there for good.

During the period, froggy was quite alone with a little friend and she do part time as well at a club as banquet waitress. She is very good with her "Shifu" and got together, her bf, blackie is not the main lead cause he disappear in two weeks time.

Nevertheless, Froggy continue perservere to find job, criteria of the job no paper and able to run around. She got enlighten by one of her friend who is working at Le'Meridian to hunt for Front Desk Job.

So she happily hunt for the position, due to her efficiency, she nail down a reception job at the overseas, Sentosa, and met her long long cousin Frog Face 2 aka long froggy. There she starts to have her adventure with her team, Penguine, cleopatra, Vampire, ET, Meatball aka Garfield, Bunny, Princess, Police, Suzzy, Moo and Chou Chou...

Actually, the above is not very important, she never knew that after one year of bumping around, she starts to have chemistry with Meatball. Although Meatball and Froggy don't look alike, but people still find similarities about them.

They like to see Meatball which reminds them of Froggy in pants, they like to see Froggy cause its Meatball in skirts. It thrills the both of them about the idea, and being the childish one, Froggy look upon Meatball as her twins. She starts to see if they are telepathy, encourage him, and trying to do things that are very twin.

They quarrell, irritate each other, imitate each other, tease each other, help each other, cover up each other, thus the chemistry is there.

Sooner or later, things starts to be different. Meatball starts to be really irritating, always angry at Froggy for no reason, this push Froggy to be very close with Vampire. However due to the chemistry and wavelength, they still have the frequency there.

Then, it comes department BBQ and all of the team decided to go clubbing after BBQ. Froggy's a very neutral person who is very very good to everyone, which is not very good. After that night, Meatball starts to be very strange, and to Froggy it seems to be a mood call jealousy. However Meatball denied, and Froggy feel that she think too much.

Soon after a few days, they chat on msn, (computer is very common in fairy tale and so is MSN).
Meatball confess that he likes Froggy, however they have someone in between that he have to face. Meatball says he will and Froggy believe, and there it goes their enchanting journey.

They meet each everyday like they can't be together the next day, sharing everything is what they always enjoying to do, exploring each other interest and standing up for each other. This is their lovable honeymoon.

However, Froggy do have her pain, as Meatball did not come face to face with the in between, Froggy have to tolerate the 4 months of in between and have to lied to in between for 2 times which makes her guilty and wanna give up. However, when she decideds to give up, Meatball face to face with in between and there is no inbetween, Froggy decides to believe Meatball again and she swallow her words in.

Then they starts their life together once again, one thing very blessing is that they hardly quarrell cause they are too alike and know how each other will react. Froggy wont quarrell with Meaty cause he once said that when he thought of her not talking to him, he teared. Still knowing each other too well will starts to think too much, and in the end you might not know each other at all.

Day after Day, froggy becomes more and more in love with Meaty, He sings for her, cook for her, take care of her, think of her, they share their music, their life.

Froggy is very in love with Meaty playing guitar, performing or jamming session, when he is playing, when he is serious and when he is worried about her.

She is very touch that he is very worried that she is being bullied at new workplace, and cause she can feels his worried, she decides to be stronger.

However, when things are seems to settle down, it takes a turn. Once a saying when it happen too fast, it will end fast also.

After meaty come back from his hometown, he is troubled and starts to ignore Froggy. Giving him benefits of the doubt is very important and she do not want to think too much. Froggy starts to be blind and ignorant to the fact very obvious, the end is coming.

Froggy becomes very not her, she is insecure, alone, and she keeps things to herself. She do not wants to bring it up cause she do not wants to upset meaty as well. She becomes very sad that meaty have his own circle of friends and she can really see the piority. Things starts to drift, she starts to have the courage of reasoning and arguing. Meaty of cause will give his argument as well.

Whatever should end should end, they lost the chemistry, they lost the sparks, they lost their frequency and Froggy still naively believe that it is just her thinking too much.

Her birthday arrive, and Meaty did a very sweet thing. He called her at 2350hrs and chat til 1200hrs as he do not want her line to be engage by others. This is the sweetest birthday Froggy ever receive even if it is just 10 minutes.

Sweetest things always don't last, beautiful things always don't last as well.

Three days later, she lost her precious phone, two days after the phone is lost, he left her.

"We will have no ending"
"I always wanted to go meet other girls but I felt guilty cause of you"
"I want my singlehood"

Intially she persist in salvaging, but the words that he says cuts in more and more deep.

She knows that he do not love her anymore, he uses time to stop loving her and finally he left her. Unknowing of the storm, unprepared, she cannot take it. Although she is cool finally, saying their last goodbyes and wishes, she is not stable.

Lost her phone, no one to turn to in the middle of the night, all she remember is his number.

She sat there quietly, drawing her own circle around her, building a boundary around her, started to wear a facade around her.

She is a very sensible girl who do not mix work and her life together, so she have to wear her facade everyday, meeting her friend who care for her to cheer her up everyday. Maybe its because, it cuts too deep, it is not pain.

Hearing things that have hurt her and trigger her imagination, she still naively believe him and find reason for him to make her feel better. Anyway knowing the truth isn't any much better it might be ugly, the reality is this he have left her, and might be for the better.

She isn't what he wanted.

Until when she saw him at his birthday party, when she saw his carefree the reality starts to bang in. She is so fragile but she is not going to collapse. She have to prove that she can make it as well so that he wont feel that she is weak.

Now its been 5 months, Froggy is still doing well, tearing in the blanket time to time. However, she now stand strong, putting everything behind, looking forward to her million of possibilities.

Keeping the good memories with her, and buried the bad ones. She is a brand new person once again and she surely will.

Hmm, what a lame story. Crap you read til the end. Come on, it is just a piece of lousy story I wrote.... But.... it is significant...